Some very popular ones missed out…

The Interestment Bikini Diet consists of eating three cooked meals a day, plus snacks. Twice a day – usually at 11am, then at around 3.30pm – we like to sound a bell, take a thirty minute break, and sit around a plate full of biscuits, frenziedly wolfing them down, splashing them into enormous bowls of tea. That way, we won’t go hungry between meals, and our bikini bellies won’t become too growly if we happen to have a brunch appointment. It’s a balanced, healthy way of doing things. Only, selecting the correct biscuit can be a rocky, dangerous mountain path to navigate, so if you don’t know precisely what you’re after, you could find yourself sobbing all over a stupid tea cake, or reluctantly prodding your tongue into the red bit of a limp Jammy Dodger. It’s an exact science, and the four greatest ever biscuits read thusly…

1. Digestive

The greatest biscuit of them all, the Digestive can be adapted to a number of social situations. Got the girls coming around for coffee? Get the Digestives in. Throwing a dinner party? These can act as a wonderful accompaniment to a plate of cheese. Making a cheesecake pudding? Crush these up and use them as a base. But they work best alongside a gentlemanly mug of splosh, eaten in quantities of around five at a time. They keep other circular treats like Hob Nobs, Rich Tea, Chocolate Digestives, Wagon Wheels, and Chocolate Caramel Digestives out of the top four. They’re both sweet and salty, which makes them fusion food.

2. Malted Milk

The ultimate beginner’s biscuit, these are a big hit with both children and adults alike. The reason for their popularity is twofold. Firstly, they carry the perfect balance of malt and milk flavouring. Secondly, they have a cow engraved into them, which makes them great fun to look at. Originally conceptualised in 1924, these achieve full impact if consumed at around mid-morning time.

3. Fruit Shortcake

One of your five-a-day, the Fruit Shortcake is the most scoffable of the four biscuits on show. This is due to their healthy nature, thanks to the fresh raisins nestling in amongst the sweet biscuit. The sugar on the top is good for boosting lagging energy levels, and they’re just thin enough to throw about three into your mouth in one go. When dunked they hold very firm, which was another factor in their inclusion. A fine snack.

4. Fig Roll

There’s something rather biblical about Fig Rolls – you could almost imagine Jesus feeding them to his apostles in between courses. And yet, that’s almost impossible, as they weren’t available until 1891. A keen balance of fig jam, and a sweet, delicious band of pastry, these delights straddle the line between tradition and gourmet with aplomb. Basically, the Ambassador would be more likely to be spoiling his guests with these at a big state function.