Interestment’s Top Four: Hangover Cures

Published: 29th Jul, 2009

Some old classics didn’t quite make it…

actual-bloody-mary

For all the joy of being hopelessly drunk and careering around telling people you love them, there is the downside of the following morning. There’s the small voice in your head convincing you that you probably killed someone or showed your cock/vag to a mob of confused onlookers, you’ve got a headache that won’t quit. If you ever go to work again you’ll probably be shunned then fired, and for what? Six pints of weak brewski and a handful of smokey joes? Is that what your reputation was worth? You’re an idiot. A very handsome, complicated and sexual idiot. Anyway, here at Interestment we like to punch the cold angry fist of self loathing with another fist, a defiant one that believes that all hangovers can actually be cured. Here’s how…

1. Sausage and Egg McMuffin

sausage-and-egg

Lots of people argue in favour of a Full English, but they’re wrong – there are too many variables working against it. Make it yourself, and chances are you’ll be puking out of a window whilst peeling apart moist slices of bacon, go to a local greasy spoon, and you’re risking the humiliation of a post-drinking wig-out. No one needs to see a man clumsily attempting to dip a sausage into a fried egg with sweat dripping from his nose. So the only real option is to get into Maccy D’s, grab a muffin with meat and eggs and bright orange cheese on it, then dash to the nearest alleyway to wolf it down like a crack whore. Oh, you dirty bitch.

2. Nurofen, tea, cig

nurofen

One for the heavy weeknight drinker, otherwise known as an NTC. One part Nurofen to quell the intensity in your head, one part tea to remind you that it’s morning, and one part cigarette to guarantee that you arrive in the office with the smell of smoky stress on your lips. Bosses love that. Ideally, all of these things should be consumed with shaking hands, nervous darting eyes, and a seriously paranoid mind. Hey don’t worry, stop crying – just a few more hours and you can get a couple of pints down you at lunch.

3. Swimming

swimming

If self-hatred is taking you over, you’ll need to find a quick physical cure so you can spend the rest of the day convincing yourself that shouting “TEQUILA!” and attempting to snog everyone isn’t so bad as long as you do some exercise the following morning. Gym-based exercise can immediately be discounted, as it’s shit, you’ll probably pass out on a running machine, and in some cases you’ll die. So go for a light swim instead. The effects of this are twofold. Firstly, the invigorating initial splash will wake you up, plus a few lengths will allow your body to feel not just alive, but also SUPERPUMPED. For a bit.

4. A beer

pint

Lots of people go on about how brilliant a Bloody Mary is after a big night, blah blah… but unfortunately they’re made with tomato juice. Tomato juice is fucking horrible. So, if you’re after a little dose of alcohol to pep you up – like a recovering heroin addict only with alcohol in place of drugs – make it a nice weak lager, like a Carlsberg or a Becks Vier. You could even splash a little top in there as a sweetener. If you’re A GIRL! Just kidding, boys can do that too. It’s not a sign of being a total pussy.

Josh Burt
About the author:

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

12 Responses to Interestment’s Top Four: Hangover Cures

  1. Spencer says:

    Sprite + Coffee + Nurofen is also a winner.

  2. Spencer says:

    Turkish breakfasts are also excellent for this:

    Garlic sausage – blows the beer smell out of your sinuses

    Fried egg – (it’s breakfast, dummy)

    Olives – enough to help you realise that reality itself is bizarre and it’s not just your hangover talking (yes, you’re eating olives for breakfast)

    Grilled Halloumi – this stuff is just brilliant at any time of day. However some people don’t like the squeaky teeth thing

    Freshly baked lush Turkish bread with butter and honey – yes please.

    Overall, it’s also a massive breakfast so if you went straight out after work, got slashed and collapsed in your C&A suit before the kebab made it through your drunken facehole, it’ll definitely fill you up. I’ve only eaten a whole one (all 6 pieces of bread, too) once.

    Rating: 128 / 133

  3. oliver says:

    Alka Seltzer dropped in Japanese ion drink Pocari Sweat, followed by a massive bowl of spicy noodle soup

  4. Chaz says:

    I punch myself in the face to deflect the pain.

  5. Olly says:

    NTC = the true breakfast of champions.

  6. mustard says:

    1) nurofen
    2) pint of water
    3) hand job
    4) rock of crack

  7. HannahB says:

    Sleep, sex, water, its that simple

  8. HannahB says:

    actually…in this order – water (at least 3 pints), sex (or similar), sleep (additional 2 hours to what you had the night before), smoked salmon and scrambled eggs.
    Alternatively, I find if you drink most nights it doesnt tend to really happen at all…..

  9. Mr Pilchards In My Pants says:

    Open pack of pilchards (NOT sardines) and take out 2

    Put the 2 pilchards in your pants. If you are a boy, under your balls. If you are a girl, between your fanny lips.

    Wait.

    Give it 30 minutes to absorb and when you feel better resist urge to remove. if you remove, hangover may come back.

    Try it. Sounds funny, but it works.

  10. Lora says:

    These days my hangovers resemble something close to Chernobyl. Its normally as a result of a night of throwing money away on cheap white wine much like the milky bar kid and his cheap white chocolate,.Its that kind of reckless abandonment. I think I should be reborn in the swinging jazz age but until then as long as I’m not vomiting in babies prams and punching policeman at lunch time I’m not going to give up boozing. Not wanting to give up the epicurean lifestyle I do need a damn good hangover cure. I don’t want to end up like Elagabalus but at the same time those rose petals were a great idea.
    Therefore I look to none other than Mariah Carey. Remember when she got a gold disk or an emmy or an oscar or summink and she decided to celebrate by bathing in champagne. The poor bint got severe alcohol poisoning. Your pores let all that lovely Cristal straight through on a one way ticket to your blood stream. And like a sponge in Britney’s bathroom Mariah was off her face.
    So, now when I’m hungover I apply the reverse Mariah. You stand in the shower or take a bath and let all that lovely water hydrate you back to normal. The reverse Mariah can take up to five showers. My friend Josh Mc Queen has his nurse friend come over and give him an IV of saline. Its all about the re hydration.
    When you shower
    Think Mariah.

    I’m off to see my dermatologist………….

    P.S. I’m totally wasted whilst writing this.

  11. D Cameron says:

    Rehydration salts with L Glutamine in a pint of water before bed + 2 paracetamol, get up same again, herbal jazz cigarette optional to pass the day.

  12. Mark says:

    Orange and Coke. Orange for the vitamin c and the healthy side of it. coke for the caffeine and the bubbles that calm down an aggravated stomach and the sugar. Looks like mud, tastes great and makes for interesting vomit if you REALLY overdid it…

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