Children, do not listen to these oily gentlemen…
Now that Top of The Pops doesn’t exist, it’s hard to keep up with what’s going on in music. Back in the old days, we used to invite the entire street over on a Thursday night to see who was number one, before getting loaded on cooking sherry and having a party. So, we thought we’d bring back those heady times by getting everyone over for a quick look at cable television’s The Box – within seconds the room was a sea of screaming, tearful tantrums, and one neighbour covering his children’s ears and bellowing “what the hell is going on?” over and over again. Moments later, we were alone and sobbing in a very quiet lounge. Thanks a lot JLS. Listening to their single, Beat Again, here’s what your children would learn…
1. Lie about a medical condition
If you’ve been dumped, fib to your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend about a conversation you had with your local GP. Tell him/her that you were actually told by a qualified doctor that because you broke up, your heart has almost completely stopped working properly. You could even fake a prescription to totally fool her/him.
2. Pretend you might be dying
After a relationship, don’t just accept that some things don’t work out and move on. Punish the girl/boy by taunting him/her with late night phone calls saying that you’re probably going to die now. “If I died?/ Yeah would you come to my funeral?” croons Marvin – the tallest one in the group – to a very confused and upset young woman/man on the other end of the phone, who just wanted a nice normal relationship, but now he/she’s got Marvin’s funeral to think about attending. Not to mention that strange surreal feeling the comes from acknowledging that only a few weeks ago you were smearing honey into a lover’s chest, and now they’re just a pile of honey-glazed bones in a cemetery. Brilliant.
3. Continue the lie about dying, but now allocate some blame
Ashton is the little sweet looking one in the group, yet when he opens his mouth, it’s like battery acid flying into your eyes and ears. Backing up Marvin, he sings “And would it always haunt you baby?/ That you missed your chance to save me?”, putting all of the onus on the girl/boy, and not even bothering with medical facts any more. In fact, the initial fib about the conversation in the doctor’s office has now been completely swept under the carpet, and these men are just ranting.
4. Reiterate the point/lie about dying
JB, the final member to sing, finishes off with a giant handful of salt that he smears into the wound, by simply crying “I’ll never mend”. Guilt trip done, innocent young woman/man destroyed by boyband. Nice one.
Now listen to the offending article, if you can bring yourself to…