Email Addresses Analysed

Published: 18th Jun, 2009

If you haven’t an email, stop reading…

email-icon

It is never anything less than sensational to hear from a loving member of the Interestment family, and today we heard from Richard – a man with an eye for both humour and detail. Here, he’s turned his enormous green magnifying glass onto the world of electronic mail, aka email. He had this to say about an excellent study he undertook…

HYPOTHESIS

So I’ve been thinking about email addresses, and what yours says about you. I’d imagine it says something.

METHOD

at-symbol

All email addresses contain the ampersand, so I decided to omit this from my examination. Anyone who claims they have an email address without ampersand is either a liar liar pants on fire or doesn’t receive many emails. Thus, I’ve split the analysis up into two categories: Before Ampersand and After Ampersand (B@ and A@). I have also discounted work email addresses, on the grounds that you, the proletariat, have no control over them and that they are really too numerous for me to cope with, basically. To illustrate my points I have used a name plucked at random. The name I have selected is Bob Smith.

Disclaimer: If your name is Bob Smith, this article is not necessarily about you.

RESULTS

B@

The ‘HERE I AM’ type

Example: bobsmith@

Either you got online right at the dawn of the interweb, and thus were able to beat thousands of others to this exclusive account, which is a bit like having a sexy number plate. Or you have a REALLY uncommon name. Like Bob Smith.

The ‘HERE I AM TOO’ type

Examples: bob.smith@, bob_smith@, bobsmith1969@, etc

Didn’t quite catch on quickly enough to have the vanity email above, but not creative enough to come up with anything even slightly interesting (see below). You like Wetherspoons pubs.

The ‘HERE I AM, AND I’M A BIT EDGY!’ type

Examples: smiffybobster@, bobilysmithily@, thebobthebobsmith@

Not content with using an underscore to differentiate you from other Bob Smiths, you had to go and do something stupid didn’t you? This type is particularly susceptible to cringing whenever they have to read out their email in public – at an email conference for instance – and instead resort to reading it out letter by letter, as if under the delusion that other people can not spell.

The ‘HERE I AM AND I’M KERRAZY! – ALL MY FRIENDS SAY I’M NUTS, HERE’S WHY…’ type

kerazy

Examples: sgt.bonkers@, iwishiwastimmymallett@, lickmylovepump@, thewarmsmellofbacon@, etc_etc_ad_infinitum@

Yep, you’re the type who’s a bit different. You probably like to highlight just how different you are from other people when involved in conversation of ANY kind. Though you call conversation banter. You probably spend time in pubs, loudly telling toilet stories and flailing your arms in a desperate attempt to convince the world that nobody else does it like you do. But, of course, EVERYONE else who has this truly ‘whacky’ B@ does EXACTLY the same thing.

A@

old-compter

@hotmail.com

Anyone who is on Hotmail has had their email account for around ten years. Once the cool mail platform, it’s not aged a bit since its heyday. WHICH IS A BAD THING. Though on the plus side it means you are able to cope with serious spamming. Good on you. Seriously.

@yahoo.co.uk

Hotmail‘s local, geeky brother from them old days, Yahoo users didn’t really understand the internet and probably still don’t. They just like the sense of elation typing their address comes with. Unless their username is genocide, which roughly counterbalances things.

@talk21.com

Who are you? I bet you don’t even know…

@mac.com

Well done, you’ve got a mac.

@gmail.com

Scene kid, you probably hate yourself.

@bobsmith.co.uk

Full of a sense of self importance, this person is no longer human but a self styled brand. But it’s a brand that nobody buys, like Ratners. Idiot. This address is only worsened if its B@ is info. People with a personal email address beginning with info are despicable cretins.

CONCLUSION

letter

We should write more letters. Any pigeon without a message stamped to its leg should be shot. I would like to receive a telegram. What happened to wax seals?

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

2 Responses to Email Addresses Analysed

  1. oliver says:

    i find my yahoo.com domain name slightly embarrassing but i’m loath to get rid of it, as it is actually the oldest thing I own that still works

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