Ah, yeah, that’s it…
A warm breeze of euphoria sweeps through the lavish Interestment offices whenever we hear from a member of the growing Interestment tribe, so it is with very open arms that we welcome back Hip Hop Sam. He had this to say about sexy pretend computer women…
Thanks to Darwin’s “the theory of evolution”, boffins have recently discovered a new, highly evolved super being known as The Gamer. Gamers have discarded unnecessary social skills and replaced them with powers of advanced reflexes, and IT ability. In the early stages of gamer evolution, these men would lurk in dingy amusement arcades, honing their powers on Double Dragon, Outrun, and Operation Wolf. Unfortunately the downside was that these pubescent eggheads seemed unlikely to ever meet a woman. But then, in a moment of twisted genius, the robot scientists at Nintendo came up with the answer, and started churning out virtual women like they were sausages and Nintendo were a sausage factory. Since then, these strange vixens have been popping up all over the place. Here are the four best ever…
1. Pauline, Donkey Kong
One of the most alluring early computerised females was Pauline, the original damsel in distress from Donkey Kong. She had a crimson red dress on, and a strange pixilated face, yet many young gamers would still lie awake at night feverishly caressing themselves whilst plotting the following day’s strategy: 1) Leap barrels 2) Taunt gorilla 3) Sex on fire escape.
2. Lara Croft, Tomb Raider
Being an early gamer was a cold and lonely existence, as computer females were clumsily animated characters – it took a great deal of concentration and imagination to realistically visualise intercourse with these women. Thank Eidos Interactive, then, for Lara Croft, who burst into our PS2s with her voluptuous, womanly figure, and thigh hugging hot pants. If only real women would enthusiastically run around deserted temples, kicking tigers to death with their big juicy boobs bouncing all over the place. What a world that would be.
3. Chun Li, Street Fighter II
If you were to ask Sir Alan Sugar what he looks for in a dream woman, his checklist would read as follows: good looks, sense of humour, violent temper, presentation skills, sweet girlish laugh, agility, Spinning Bird Kick, business acumen and clean white panties. Chun Li from Street Fighter II ticks all the right boxes for Sir Alan. Except for the business acumen. She’s could learn though. She’s got the raw talent.
4. Kelly Le Brock, Weird Science
The first virtual woman wasn’t even in a game, but in 1980s documentaries like Mannequin and Weird Science. Mannequin was about a beautiful, large breasted mannequin coming to life and sexually abusing a young man in a shop window. It starred Kim Cattrall, who, of course, went on to become enormously popular as the sexually active grandmother in Sexy City. But even better than her was Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science – a steamy 1985 reimagining of Frankenstein, featuring a sophisticated Cyber Woman created by two young nerds. Although the Internet was yet to swamp the planet, Weird Science was a calmly prophesised warning about grooming in chatrooms. I think.
Of course, there will be no sexy computer girls for the guys without a little lump of cyber sugar for the ladies. Below is Ken.