Big Brother 10: First Impressions

Published: 4th Jun, 2009

Big Brother 10, the great big launch night…

davina

And so the housemates trundled into the house, some sprinted, some walked in slow motion whilst dressed like a Cabaret inspired demon. It was weird. Made all the weirder by Davina McCall’s decision to dress a little bit like a woman who might run a brothel. Anyway, no matter. Here’s how the first sixteen housemates came across, as decided by us…

Freddie, 23

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With a beard reminiscent of General Zod in Superman II, Freddie is a little bit posh for all of this. That said, his big cheerful hugs seemed to go down well with the rest of the incomers. “Peace and love,” he declared on his way up the steps. That’s peace. And love.

Lisa, 41

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With her punk rocker haircut and tatted up arms, neck, head, back, and face, Lisa has the look of a ferocious lesbian. An illusion that was immediately shattered when she embarked on an awkward conversation with Freddie about the shared moment they were enjoying.

Sophie, 20

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Three minutes after her breasts, Sophie entered the house, making her already a guaranteed cover girl in the Nuts/Zoo axis of sophistication. Were she not a tits out glamour girl, she’d be an ice cream lady, she declared. Sorry, but what’s an ice cream lady?

Kris, 24

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Kris is as unconventional as the spelling of his name. Oh no, hang on, he’s not at all. He’s just another one of those Kooks-a-likes with a scraggly my-first-beard. He fumbled handfuls of cool points the minute he cooed “it smells like Allied Carpets”, whilst descending the house stairs.

Noirin, 25

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Luckily for Jesus, Noirin lives her life by the Ten Commandments – or nine, as she’s already opted to bow down to another God by going on Big Brother. The Lord will not be happy about that. We’ve got a nasty feeling she might bear false witness against her neighbour at some point too. Just so long as she doesn’t covet anyone’s ox…

Cairon, 18

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The youngster of the house, Cairon is a stylish American lad. Regardless that he feels gay just wiping his own bottom, he looks like the most obvious early contender for the crown. Kids will think he’s cool.

Angel, 35

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Instantly made a bad impression by taking about twenty minutes just to get up the steps, Angel would make for an awful dinner guest. Pudding done, wine empty, and yet there she is, staring at you, totally unwilling to leave. She’s slightly terrifying in a serial killer kind of way.

Karly, 21

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According to Karly, her arse is her best feature, which shows an incredible amount of humility from a girl who could have singled out her wit, her lust for medieval poetry, or her ability to change from blonde to brunette in a single frame change. The minute she saw Sophie, most of the blood drained from her face.

Marcus, 35

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Should your computer go on the blink in the next week or so, gutted, because the only man who could combine fixing the thing with telling intriguing stories about the serial numbers on the back of comics is stranded in the Big Brother house. Looks like Wolverine in the same way that Trevor McDonald would if you just stuck some pretend side burns on his cheeks and told him to growl.

Beinazir, 28

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Kindly, to kick things off, Beinazir explained that she isn’t a prostitute. Something the other presumed-prostitutes in the house completely failed to consider doing. She then went on to explain that she frightens men, and hates posers. At that stage, we were still reeling from the prostitute revelation.

Sophia, 26

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This is what happens when sickly children pull through and turn into strong young women. They pogo into the Big Brother house cackling like Jabba the Hut‘s manic giggling sidekick from Return of The Jedi. Another possible contender, she seems quite sweet, as all tiny little people do when they smile.

Rodrigo, 23

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Unlike most Brits, Rodrigo – a Brazilian – loves England, even though it has unwittingly made him gay. Or straight. He’s just not sure. Although he does want to have sex with Latoya Jackson, which, frankly, casts no light on the situation whatsoever. Already in the house, he might win.

Charlie, 22

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Charlie looks a little bit like Sean Penn in Milk, and although he insists that he can’t sit still for one second, we know he’s lying. He clearly spends at least fifteen minutes every morning patiently carving completely pointless go-faster stripes into his left eyebrow.

Saffia, 27

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This year’s victim of appalling intro video syndrome, there is an immediate mountain to climb. Claims to hate all people within just a few minutes, she really should have considered the bra options when picking out a decent first night outfit.

Sree, 25

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Dressed by his mother and father, they said. And yet, there he was, Union Jack shirt underneath his jacket, Indian flag in his hand, leaving most BNP members totally bewildered. He’s got their shirt on, but he’s Indian. Brains all around Kent literally melted.

Siavash, 23

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In a word – Teen Wolf.

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

8 Responses to Big Brother 10: First Impressions

  1. Al says:

    Well, I don’t know what to make of it – I detested all of them on the intro show last year and ended up hardly watching any of it but this year they all seem all right – I think! Apart from Sophia, whose laugh annoyed the hell out of me within 5 seconds. I have absolutely no idea who’s gonna win this year though.

  2. lee says:

    when sophia walked in anyone know what the song was that was playing?

  3. Spencer says:

    OMFG. INTERESTMENT YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.

    Live coverage. LIVE. YES.

    Ok I’m going to read it now.

    Spencer

  4. Spencer says:

    Ok, read it. Excellent. Can’t wait to watch it. Why Channel Four bothered booking 18 hours of television for this famefest I don’t know. Why not just put interestment on a live facetube link and get to the TRUTH. QUICK.

    That needed a question mark, and here it is:

    ?

  5. JIMMY DEAN says:

    On first glance of Charlie I thought, yes for once they might have selected a naturally UN-CAMP laddy gay lad to go into the house, but alas that was shattered as he sashayed in the door with Liza Minnelli hand movements! think he’ll be quiet funny though…..and not bad on the eye…….Kris on the other hand, NOW HE WOULD GET IT!!! …………… bit of a knob but fit as…….

  6. forty-forty five says:

    agree that Rodrigo is a decent shout to win the thing – a guaranteed ‘housemate’, unlikely to get nominated, girls will like him. 9-2 looks tempting:
    http://odds.bestbetting.com/tv–film–music/uk/big-brotther/big-brother-10/winner/

  7. Daniels says:

    I am not actually watching this television programme, I prefer to imagine what its like to watch it instead:
    Day 1:
    Angel casts a necromancy spell to summon a demon – attacks Ricardo! – 4 points
    Shiavash bites Sree but Sree counter-attacks with YOGA FLAME! – 5 points
    Marcus’ adamantium claws scar Kris’ eyebrow! – 2 points
    Sophia’s face explodes injuring Cairon! – 3 points
    Noirin summons Jesus… Immaculate attack! – 7 points

    Phew.. What a start to Big Brother 10

  8. Spencer says:

    IT’S COMING! IT’S GOING TO SQUASH YOU!

    VRRROOOOOMMM!!!

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