Some amazing women just missed out…
And thus, Big Brother begins again this week. Near on twenty maniacs will be wheeled into the house to talk endlessly about themselves for the entire summer, then within seconds, we’ll forget them. Only last year, Dale, Lisa, Alexandra and Jennifer wandered into our lives, and now you can’t even remember who they are. What about Belinda? Remember her? Could you even describe the colour of Stuart’s hair in blonde/brunette terms? No? Okay, how about telling us a little bit about Michael? Nicole? The winner? You know – Rachel? You can’t even remember her? The actual winner? It’s a sorry state of affairs. But don’t worry, you’re not having a memory black out, we can prove that with two words – Rex, Darnell. Rex – you remember – was the hideous rich kid who had a voice so plummy and revolting that it occasionally just morphed into one long slurring noise. Darnell was the albino black guy who became really really paranoid. Great times.
That all said, we love Big Brother, and will be covering it in our brand new Big Brother section. First off, here are the four most beautiful women so far…
1. Shell Jubin, Big Brother 5
Shell was a delicate flower, with a gentle voice, and a soft face. With her blonde hair and polite nature, we all thought she might end up on Blue Peter, but no, we were completely mistaken. Within thirty seconds of leaving the house she’d ripped off her clothes for a horny lad’s mag photographer, and on at least one occasion she pretended to be a lipstick lesbian with Vanessa – another Big Brother contestant. Another particularly intriguing photo shoot featured just Shell and Jordan lolling about in a massive house somewhere. Just the two of them. Friends for life.
2. Sylvia Barrie, Big Brother 9
Poor Sylvia, such a beautiful girl, and yet totally humiliated by one evening in bed with the in-house body builder, Stuart. As he lay pretending to sleep, she fumbled about next to him, sighing and moaning, desperately clawing at his muscles, begging him to find her attractive. It was a sorry time for the entire nation – much of whom will have witnessed it all through the small gaps between their fingers. What were you thinking of, Sylvia? You could have been a contender. Even so, she manages to score highly on this chart, thanks mainly to not being as much of a princess as her friend Jennifer – the one from Newcastle who went berserk because Rex dabbed some ketchup on her rubbish picture.
3. Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, Big Brother 7
When she first wandered into the house kissing her teeth to the sound of imaginary garage music, alarm bells started to sound out. Was this one of those WAG things we’d been told about in the newspapers? As it turns out, not entirely. Yes, she wore thongs in the back garden, and yes, her bosoms came courtesy of a doctor’s scalpel. But was she not also the girl who explained to that hideous troll, Grace, that she better know herself, little girl? Yes she was. And for that, we salute her. A magnificent woman.
4. Makosi Musambasi, Big Brother 6
Makosi was probably the most entertaining maniac in the history of the show, and she was very unfairly booed on her way out of the house. In the course of her seventy-two weeks – roughly – she managed to stage lesbian moments with at least two other girls, and may or may not have rogered Antony – the tiny little disco dancer – in the hot tub. Will I have to name our child Jacuzzi, she asked a very stunned Big Brother. No answer was forthcoming. A nutter, but a pretty nutter.