Can you spot danger is this image?
Yeah, you went to the park at the weekend, of course you did. It was blazing. Yet, while the sun gives with one hand, it punches you in the face with the other, as parks are awash with an almighty cross section of society – from the sophisticated picnickers in one corner, gently gnawing on soft cheeses knocked back with fruity wines, to the young bikini-clad office workers, to the tattooed toddlers with shaved heads and footballs in the other. Oliver, usually our fashion expert, was sunning himself this Saturday, and he has made a few smart observations about the people he saw ruining the nation’s delicious outdoor parks. He had this to say…
Britain’s parks have become home to literally millions of eager sun worshippers. Big ones, small ones, pink ones and we even saw one wearing a thong the other day. The only problem is the swathes of park idiots that go with them. Here’s our top 4 of those to avoid sitting anywhere near when you’re out this summer…
1. Circus drop outs
Ahh, zany rastafarians, only white – these posh young gentlemen are easily identified by their dreadlocks, their thai-fishing trousers and that stinky unwashed smell which comes from weeks of lying on a wigwam floor listening to dub reggae. They feel that their amateur juggling, fire twirling and acrobatic dance skills should be shared with the rest of the park. They, unfortunately, are completely wrong about that.
Everyone likes music, that’s just a fact. Sometimes, most of us even sing in the shower. That, however, does not mean that the nation needs to hear some lantern-faced oik practising Columbian Tree Drum next to a few discarded cans of the strong stuff. And as for that guy on didgeridoo – someone should probably explain that the circular breathing is merely ridding his body of extremely important sex hormones? Unless you’re very good, or your name is Neil Young, you should probably shut the hell up.
Sport can be brilliant. It’s inspired things like cool trainers, sexy swimming shorts and balls of all different shapes and sizes. Balls are great. In fact, a good game of kick-ball or throwy-catchy can be a very pleasant way to pass the time. What we don’t need are your funny shaped rugby balls landing in our coleslaw during a lovers picnic. And please stop kicking your football in our godson’s tiny little baby face – he doesn’t seem to like it.
It’s called a leash and it’s very good at tethering and restraining your dog from biting people’s eyes out, pooing on picnic blankets and scaring the toilet parts out of everyone else but you. Leave the hound at home.