It’s not like the old days…
As mentioned before, we’re not into stereotyping anyone, but for about fifty years every single female tennis player was an angry muscular lesbian/bisexual. Oh, alright, not all of them were. There was the odd demure Gabriella Sabatini, or the tigress-like Steffi Graf. Plus, of course, there was Anna Kournikova, who proved to be appalling at tennis, but completely wonderful at draping herself over Enrique Iglesias’ oiled up legs and Spanish loins. And then, all of a sudden, loads of completely hot ones came along at once. Many of them from strange places like Russia, France, or Ukrainia. Yes, in real life, they are probably Herculean women who could crush your face with their nose, but gliding around on television, they look just fantastic. Here are the four most likely to make beads of actual sweat drip from John Inverdale’s glistening top lip…
1. Ana Ivanovic
Since winning last year’s French Open, Ana has managed pretty much sod all. She was supposed to trot to victory at Wimbledon, but she only made it to the third round. No matter, because Ana has been blessed with legs even longer than ostrich trousers, and when she’s not patting a ball back and forth to another woman, she likes to do brainy things – like read books. What a gal.
2. Dominika Cibulkova
Here’s a name to look out for, she might even be the next Kournikova – in that she probably won’t win anything, but she looks tremendous. She made it to the fourth round of the Australian Open this year, so should be around just long enough to render Inverdale, Lloyd and Becker completely silent and sweaty in the Wimbledon commentary box.
3. Serena Williams
Make no mistake, Serena Williams is a world of woman, and she could probably snap you in half using just one hand, whilst casually firing off winning forehands with the other. Yet, somehow, she has maintained a demure feminine side, and what a curvaceous woman she is. On the downside, while whoever runs Creation was busy fashioning a Michelangelo come-to-life, he/she also popped in a malfunctioning Moog keyboard where a voice box should be. Gutted.
4. Maria Sharapova
Sharapova went out in the second round of Wimbledon last year, which was just awful. Especially given that she’d attempted to express herself by wearing strange and elaborate outfits on court. It was a humiliation. Not like the time in 2004, when she strode onto Centre Court to take the crown. She has hair as light and feathery as a silk scarf blowing through a meadow, and her legs are so long that she can’t see her feet.
Of course, we wouldn’t dream of serving up such wonderful womenfolk for the chaps without something great for the girls. Below is Bjorn Borg.