Interestment’s Top Four: Saucy Newsreaders

Published: 28th Apr, 2009

Some popular names didn’t make the cut…

news-kaplinsky

It’s never anything short of a total joy to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today Oliver – a kind man with a keen eye for cloth – has turned his ruby microscope in the direction of beautiful newsreaders. He had this to say…

Reading the news at the moment is a tough job. It’s all pig-flu this, suicidal bankers that, and celebrities dying or beating each other up. So to sweeten the delivery, clever TV execs have learnt that grabbing Oxbridge graduates who are rather easy on the eye can only help boost ratings and stop us killing ourselves. Here are the four we would most like to wake up with, sensually speaking…

1. Melissa Theuriau

news-melissa

Top of the table has to be the delectable Melissa Theuriau. Those lucky cheese-eating surrender monkeys over The Channel have never had it so good. Just imagine her telling you that the world was about to end in fifteen minutes. You probably wouldn’t even hear her say it. You’d be too busy jumping on the next Eurostar to woo her with a crispy pain au chocolat and a bottle of shiny Orangina. Vive la difference, mes amis!

2. Kate Silverton

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Closer to home and resting upon a license payer’s couch every morning to wish us well over our bowl of Cornflakes is the disarming and uber-intelligent Kate Silverton. Now look at her lips. Go on. Look at them. It’s like a collagen factory exploded near her face. You could sleep a family of nine on those plumped up mattresses. Falling Pound against the Euro? Who cares.

3. Jasmine Lowson

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Since starting out life on The Big Breakfast many, many moons ago, Jasmine Lowson has not aged one minute. She will probably be standing proud with a blemish-free face when the rest of us are creaking off our mortal coil at the next Ice Age. Now only reading news on ITV‘s London Tonight, those lucky cockneys have the daily pleasure of hearing her explain that the M25 is non-moving between Junctions 18-25 anti-clockwise. “Oi oi, what’s an M25?” they cry, whilst divorcing their wives and punching each other in the face with magnificent force.

4. Katie Derham

news-katie

Since graduating from Magdalene College, Cambridge with a BA (Hons) in Economics, the charming Katie Derham has done it all. BBC Radio 4‘s Moneybox, BBC Radio Five Live‘s Moneycheck and now she’s a regular feature on ITV News. Her honey sweet smile and caramel skin help deliver news bad and good. However, we have a hunch that underneath her modest and oh-so-professional attire, she’s covered in tattoos of ex-boyfriends and has love bites all over her bottom.

Of course, we couldn’t allow the boys to have all the fun, so, to help tuck you into bed at night over a warm cocoa, ladies, we give you the unrelenting, unflappable and damn right tumescent Lord of the late night interview, Mr Jeremy Paxman.

paxman

You’re welcome.

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3 Responses to Interestment’s Top Four: Saucy Newsreaders

  1. Spencer says:

    I will speculate that Fiona Bruce is all of the above newsreaders’ mother.

  2. Georgie says:

    Delighted Natasha Kerplunk didn’t make the grade….you have an extremely discerning eye Oliver.

  3. carrot top says:

    What about Michelle Hussein? Hubba.

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