Some marvelous treats missed out…

We enjoy a funny life journey with ice cream. As toddlers, it’s used as currency in exchange for your good behaviour – it’s more delightful than gold. As adults, it’s licked seductively in advance of a hurried sexual adventure in a French sand dune. Yet, for all the good times, it’s also responsible for some rubbish ones, notably when it locates a weak tooth by letting off an ice explosion in your brain. Or when you decided to mix your Neapolitan flavours together expecting a super-flavour, only to find that strawberry, chocolate and vanilla combined tastes like frog urine. When you’re old, it’s all you can digest. It’s been popular in Britain since the 17th century, but according to legend it was invented by Emperor Nero, who used to wile away long Roman evenings licking snow mixed with fruit pulp and honey. Which is more of a sorbet really. Either way, we thought it high time to honour our most creamy friend – we did this by discussing what the four greatest ice cream inventions might be. They were these…

1. Ice Cream Snickers

By far and away the king of the modern choc ices, this one was run close by the Maltesers version, but it simply can’t be beaten. A combination of chocolate, caramel, peanuts, and chilly ice cream, it’s an absolute joy. Definitely much better than the luminous yellow choc ices from back in the old days. Rumour has it that those were made from pig’s guts.

2. The Milkshake

If you leave most foods for too long before eating, the effects will be ruined somewhat. Not so with versatile ice cream that can happily melt, leaving you with essentially what has become a tasty milkshake in a bowl. Before a genius added His Iciness to the original milkshakes, they were disgusting pink or brown cloudy slops used as punishment in childrens homes. Now they’re so good that they narrowly edge out the legendary 99er, not to be confused…

3. Magnum

The thinking man’s ice cream, these are guaranteed to get your woman into bed. They’re like an M&S Feast in many ways – ie. not just any old Feast, but a Feast that’s wearing suspenders and thick, creamy chocolate that will definitely do it with you. Kenny G is recommended as a background accompaniment.

4. Pistachio Flavour

Who knew that a small nut from western Afghanistan would make for such a tremendous ice cream flavour? Traditionalists will often plump for plain old vanilla or rich chocolate as the most brilliant flavours, but the renegades will be more inclined to this. It combines vanilla’s subtlely of flavour, but has the added thrill of being green, like goo. We love it.