Bobby Cash Redd, Skate Party People
As sure as eggs is/are eggs, The Queen was always going to turn 83 today. In fact, we’d put money on Her Majesty having to send a 100th birthday telegram to herself in 2026, she’s just that healthy. Charles, meanwhile, will be standing beside her, furious that he never got the chance to be the Warrior King he always believed he could be – instead taking gingerly to the thrown, mindlessly scratching an itch on his scrotum. An old, decrepit man. No matter, we thought we’d get The Queen a gift, so we headed to a health spa to get covered in mud and pond fungus, and discussed things. It boiled down to a toss up between some Taste the Difference beef burgers, or a clip of a rare rollerskating record from back in the day. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Queenie!