No room for these babes…

It’s great, The Apprentice. There’s Sir Alan Sugar with his silly beard, the two gentleman at his side – one who looks absolutely appalled, the other wearing lipstick. Then, there are the real stars of the show – the job hunters. This year they’ve done well to find such a strange and intriguing bunch, including a pretty blonde who talks from the side of her mouth like the old lady in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. There’s also a horrible brunette who looks a bit like the tennis player Jelena Jankovic. She’s this year’s bully. At the moment, however, our money is on the guy from County Durham with the world’s deepest voice. He seems like he’s probably enough of a bastard to impress Sir Alan. Plus our favourites never win. It was hard restricting the list to four, with big names like Michael Sophocles, Katie Hopkins, Ruth Badger, and the most hateful ever, Paul Tulip, all just falling at the last hurdle. Hence our four best read thusly…

1. Raef Bjayou

Proudly boasted the ability to charm both “prince and pauper”, and we certainly believed the first bit. Faced with a tooled-up street criminal, and our money’s on the knife, unfortunately Raef. Either way, despite having all the ingredients to make a total cretin, Raef proved to be a likable chap with tremendous hair, and the most intense, moving screen laugh we have ever seen. Amazing.

2. Saira Khan

The show has enjoyed a slew of ball busters, but none quite so lethal as Saira. Her ability to locate the most sensitive point of irritability in every single human being on the show was absolutely brilliant to behold. And yet, she continues to work. For actual money.

3. Syed Ahmed

Syed was the prototype for a new breed of Apprentice star – good looking, super-confident, totally thick, appalling at business. He has since been usurped by Tre Azam and Michael Sophocles. The show works best when these characters are systematically destroyed by Sir Alan’s business friends – particularly the one who looks like a shaved testicle in a suit. Below is Syed’s most magnificent moment.

4. Kevin Shaw

Behind Raef, Kevin was the best thing about last year’s show. Constantly defensive, he managed to make a simple pitch about greeting cards sound like an argument on Jeremy Kyle, but nothing comes close to the time he decided that a total inability to cook shouldn’t stop him explaining to a trained chef how to correctly assemble a carbonara. So that’s bacon, ham, chicken, creme fraiche…