A five step guide to winning Masterchef

Published: 22nd Jan, 2009

You want to win the show? Like really want to?

masterchef

Masterchef is brilliant. It starts with two men standing next to a hob yelling at a cameraman about how hard cookery is. And, weirdly, they’re right. Anyone who has ever attempted to accurately fry a steak whilst a bald man with a enormous protruding gut stares on from five metres, occasionally tutting, already knows that this business isn’t for the faint hearted. Yet, winning Masterchef isn’t as difficult as it looks. We’ve come up with five simple rules to making it at least to the finals. Then you’re on your own…

1. If you’re “invention” ingredients include meat, vegetables, and fruit, resist the childish urge to match the fruit with the meat. You are not Heston Blumenthal. Unless you are.

2. Impress John, because when it’s a John versus Gregg stand-off about who should go through, John wins. That might be because he’s an actual chef, while Gregg is a bald fat bloke who loves jam roly-poly.

3. Talking of which, you might still need Gregg to fight your corner in the latter stages. This can be achieved by regularly baking him a massive chocolate cake.

4. If ever they ask you a question, any question at all, simply start blathering inanely, carefully inserting words like “honest”, “rustic”, “hearty”, “simple ingredients”, and “well cooked” into the ensuing drivel.

5. Never ever excel in the professional kitchen. No one likes a teacher’s pet. Instead, look surly and behave like YOU are the head chef, not that annoying South African guy who keeps barking at you.

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

3 Responses to A five step guide to winning Masterchef

  1. ally says:

    er, isn’t john australian? or not…

  2. josh josh says:

    You’re absolutely right Ally. My mistake… good spot.

  3. chris says:

    Have you seen the new series? The professionals?
    Every single comment that Michelle Roux makes is instantly regurgitated, in a different order by fat Gregg!

    I have watched them taste ‘hunners’ of dishes and every time Gregg should have just said, through a full, stuffed fat face..’erm….whatever he says’, points at Michelle, ‘ I am just here for the grub….’

    It would make things a bit easier for him!

    🙂

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