Children, ignore the bad man…
Much has been made about how Top Gun is secretly the story of two young homosexual gentlemen – Maverick and Ice Man – coming to terms with their feelings, but it really isn’t. It’s simply the tale of a spoilt young twat behaving like a total cock.
There is no doubting that as a fighter-pilot sky romp, few films come close to it, and when Goose shatters his skull on that aeroplane window before floating to his death, Interestment sobs hysterically every time. But the man at the helm, Tom Cruise, is so hard to like, and impressionable youngsters should be actively discouraged from watching this. After all, this is what they would learn:
1. It’s perfectly fine to turn up late to a first date, and tell your host to carry on cooking while you have a shower.
2. At the end of the date, don’t say goodbye. Just mount a motorbike (helmetless!) and zoom off.
3. First impressions count, so make sure that whenever you meet someone new, you tell them about something impressive/edgy that you did once. Then watch for their reaction.
4. It’s perfectly fine to follow women into the toilets and attempt to have sex with them by the sinks.
5. If your best friend dies, and it’s your fault, sulk until everyone feels bad and forgives you.
6. If your sexy flying teacher happens to disagree with you “pulling on the breaks” in mid air, storm off, and pretend you can’t hear their perfectly reasonable explanation over your revving motorbike.
7. If you happen to have sex with a woman/man, be sure to up and leave before they wake up. That way, they will feel special.
8. Do as you please, and view being “dangerous” as a good thing.
9. Always tuck your shirt in